Scared
I thought I saw you
I turned to run
I am scared of you
I am scared of what I might have become
I don't want to be scared
I just want to learn from my mistakes
I want to move on,
Forgive myself, be myself.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Piglet
My piglet.. Where to start.. ok. So when I was going to have surgery my mom bought me a piglet. He was with me in the hospital and he even got his own ID bracelet. The bracelet said Piglet Middleton. He went throught a lot. One day I came home and my dad had washed him and put him in the freezer.. He was frozen for a while. LOL. And then another day I came home and my dad had tied his arm and opposite foot the fan and he was spinning around. One time also while driving my dad took him and rolled his neck up in the window.. His head would blow in the wind.. He was loved and I took him everywhere. I even took him to school on PJ day. So in may of 2008 i went to NY for the first time and i of course took my piglet. Well in all the rush of the planes, I lost him. He in lost in New York City. I often say my heart was left in New York City. Losing my piglet left a giant whole in my heart and in my life. I was not doing well. I took hope and joy in the bible verse "Be still and know that I am God" in this time. I would say it a lot. So where I would hold piglet I now have a tattoo on my arms. It reminds me every day that he is God and he is in control. A year later, almost the exact day, my sister returned home from India. She asked me if I wanted my gift and I was like "YA!". And she brought out a bag. I opened it and I came to discover a piglet. I began crying like a little baby. No it was not my piglet I had lost. It was a piglet from the orphanage that Catherine and steph had worked at. They walked into the orphanage and saw him sitting on the mantle. She asked if she could take him home and of course they said yes.. So I have my wonderful piglet from a cool little orphanage in India. Of course we washed him well and he is wearing a bee out fit like my old one. I still cherish my old piglet and see my tattoos every day to remember him by but i am so grateful my sister brought this one home.. he gives me something to snuggle with..
snuggling with my piglet, watching Glee,
Breanne
snuggling with my piglet, watching Glee,
Breanne
Monday, August 9, 2010
forgiveness
Now I’m in our secret place, Alone in your embrace, Where all my wrongs have been erased, You have forgiven. All the promises and lies, All the times I compromise, All the times you were denied. You have forgiven.. -Skillet "Forgiven"
As I was telling my friends about my back problems about a week ago. They asked me if i ever forgave the kid that has caused them. And I said no. I honestly and truly don't think I have. Let me rewind here and explain what happened..
When I was 8 years old a kid down the street from me. I am not going to say his name so lets just call him Bill. Bill was outside of his house while I was riding my bike with a friend. We were riding our bikes and he was throwing the ball at us. We were girls, little girls, we thought it was funny. So we kept riding back there. On what would be our last time riding back there he through the ball again and it rolled in between my bike tires. I flipped over, cracked my front tooth, and injured my back. I was so disoriented that a very kind neighbor helped me find the part of my tooth and helped me get to the side walk as my friend went and got my parents. My dad came and got me. He is a nurse so i knew i was in good hands. We did not know about the back stuff until i was in school and my PE teacher noticed i could no longer do the physical testing. You know the sit and reach, shuffle run and pulls stuff we did as kids. Me being able not to do this anymore was a big thing because i was in gymnastics like all the time. That was my passion and what i loved and thought i would be doing for the rest of my life.. so she talked to my 2nd grade teacher at that time and they talked to my parents. we went to the doctor. The doctor informed my parents that i had lumbar curve scoliosis. What that meant was that the L4 and L5 vertebrae were moving and resting on my nerves for my legs. So in March of 1995 I went in for surgery i was 9 years old.. they were unsure how long i would be in the hospital, about how well i would walk, run, or even Rollerblade. For some reason i still remember that about the rollerblading. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and this is where my love for the TV ER came in to my life. When i was in the hospital the nurses would come in and watch it with me and my mom on thursday night. The surgery i had was the doctors cut a piece of my left hip and fused it to my spine so my L4 and L5 would stop moving. And as my back and bones grew it would stay put. I had to sorta learn to walk again. I came home with a walker and got very comfortable on my sofa. I was not sent back to school. Instead a teacher would come to me. Because my parents worked i got to spend a lot of time with my grandma. My teacher would come there at about 2 each day. Part of my physical therapy was i had to walk to for a certain amount of time and my grandma and i would walk. mostly we would walk to the 99 cent store be hind her house. she loved that place. but while we would walk we would find pennys. she loved when we found one. i will always remember that time. hence my tattoo i have for her above my back surgery scar.. anyway.. as i went through recovery. i was slowly able to do things they thought i was not going to be able to do. And thankfully i did not ever have to wear a back brace. the brace is used for, according to WEBMD, It may provide a temporary correction, but usually the curve will assume its original magnitude when bracing is eliminated.. So thankfully i never had to have that. I was able to run and play basketball something my doctors never thought i would be able to do. and believe it or not i was able to rollerblade. i remember that being a big thing when i was little.. not so much now.. well maybe be cause i have a car.. lol.. that was the end of my 3rd grade year. i started back to school in my forth grade year. and at my lunch time i would go to physical therapy where my dad would read to me, and we would talk about stuff.. most of the time i would eat lunch at home and then go back to school but some times, and i mean sometimes i could get him to let me get some mcdonalds on 51st and olive.. lol.. Anyway, to this day i have back pain and leg pain if i stand to long or lift heavy things. My father is concerned about when i have a baby about how my back would handle that. but that is a little down the road so i am not to concerned yet. lol.. that is the over view of my back..
So in this time, the time since the back stuff until now, Bill has passed away. He died about 2 or 3 years ago i am not quiet sure. I never really got a chance to forgive him or talk to him to see what he thought in this whole thing. I never will i guess. I do want to forgive Bill but i don't know if i could. he took what i thought my future was. I mean i never watched tv or ate bad food. Now i can't not watch tv and i am so fat that is it causing some of my back problems! AAAHH crazy cycle. I do know i need to forgive him to finally heal but man it is something i have been holding on to for so long now. i don't know how i could...
breanne...
As I was telling my friends about my back problems about a week ago. They asked me if i ever forgave the kid that has caused them. And I said no. I honestly and truly don't think I have. Let me rewind here and explain what happened..
When I was 8 years old a kid down the street from me. I am not going to say his name so lets just call him Bill. Bill was outside of his house while I was riding my bike with a friend. We were riding our bikes and he was throwing the ball at us. We were girls, little girls, we thought it was funny. So we kept riding back there. On what would be our last time riding back there he through the ball again and it rolled in between my bike tires. I flipped over, cracked my front tooth, and injured my back. I was so disoriented that a very kind neighbor helped me find the part of my tooth and helped me get to the side walk as my friend went and got my parents. My dad came and got me. He is a nurse so i knew i was in good hands. We did not know about the back stuff until i was in school and my PE teacher noticed i could no longer do the physical testing. You know the sit and reach, shuffle run and pulls stuff we did as kids. Me being able not to do this anymore was a big thing because i was in gymnastics like all the time. That was my passion and what i loved and thought i would be doing for the rest of my life.. so she talked to my 2nd grade teacher at that time and they talked to my parents. we went to the doctor. The doctor informed my parents that i had lumbar curve scoliosis. What that meant was that the L4 and L5 vertebrae were moving and resting on my nerves for my legs. So in March of 1995 I went in for surgery i was 9 years old.. they were unsure how long i would be in the hospital, about how well i would walk, run, or even Rollerblade. For some reason i still remember that about the rollerblading. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and this is where my love for the TV ER came in to my life. When i was in the hospital the nurses would come in and watch it with me and my mom on thursday night. The surgery i had was the doctors cut a piece of my left hip and fused it to my spine so my L4 and L5 would stop moving. And as my back and bones grew it would stay put. I had to sorta learn to walk again. I came home with a walker and got very comfortable on my sofa. I was not sent back to school. Instead a teacher would come to me. Because my parents worked i got to spend a lot of time with my grandma. My teacher would come there at about 2 each day. Part of my physical therapy was i had to walk to for a certain amount of time and my grandma and i would walk. mostly we would walk to the 99 cent store be hind her house. she loved that place. but while we would walk we would find pennys. she loved when we found one. i will always remember that time. hence my tattoo i have for her above my back surgery scar.. anyway.. as i went through recovery. i was slowly able to do things they thought i was not going to be able to do. And thankfully i did not ever have to wear a back brace. the brace is used for, according to WEBMD, It may provide a temporary correction, but usually the curve will assume its original magnitude when bracing is eliminated.. So thankfully i never had to have that. I was able to run and play basketball something my doctors never thought i would be able to do. and believe it or not i was able to rollerblade. i remember that being a big thing when i was little.. not so much now.. well maybe be cause i have a car.. lol.. that was the end of my 3rd grade year. i started back to school in my forth grade year. and at my lunch time i would go to physical therapy where my dad would read to me, and we would talk about stuff.. most of the time i would eat lunch at home and then go back to school but some times, and i mean sometimes i could get him to let me get some mcdonalds on 51st and olive.. lol.. Anyway, to this day i have back pain and leg pain if i stand to long or lift heavy things. My father is concerned about when i have a baby about how my back would handle that. but that is a little down the road so i am not to concerned yet. lol.. that is the over view of my back..
So in this time, the time since the back stuff until now, Bill has passed away. He died about 2 or 3 years ago i am not quiet sure. I never really got a chance to forgive him or talk to him to see what he thought in this whole thing. I never will i guess. I do want to forgive Bill but i don't know if i could. he took what i thought my future was. I mean i never watched tv or ate bad food. Now i can't not watch tv and i am so fat that is it causing some of my back problems! AAAHH crazy cycle. I do know i need to forgive him to finally heal but man it is something i have been holding on to for so long now. i don't know how i could...
breanne...
Saturday, May 8, 2010
alone
I hate when people make “rules” in a friendship. Why can’t you just be you or say what you want to say. If I have to watch what I always say because it would jeopardize a great friendship then is a real friendship? Or is it just for convince or is it an acquaintance? People are always saying they need friends and good people in their life and it is hard to find that in this world. So why would someone who says they are a friend, a great friend, want this to be so limited? Who decides what is said and what is not. If it hurts that sucks but sometimes those things need to be said. If it is funny and something you will laugh about later on what makes that more important than the problem you are having with life? I hate when people are fake and say they are friends but it is only when they nothing else to do.
I have also experience when people are fake and they help you to earn their trust and when you need them, really need them, they ignore you. Why do people offer to talk with you or help you when it is fake? Would not it just be easier to be straight and real with a person and say I don’t care about how you are feeling and I am not going to build up your hopes and trust in me as a person who cares? I know it would suck for a while if that person says that but I think in the long run it would help because you could maybe look for someone who would care with out that extra pain they caused. People saying oh yeah talk to me anytime and then when you want to talk to them. I mean obviously want to talk with them, sit next to them, stand next to them, try to join their conversation, or message them and they do nothing how does that help anything? How does that show you me care?
My thing is why can’t I leave these relationships behind? I try just to leave them alone and not really rely on them to give me validation as a human, or use them for relationship building. But I always seem to go back to them. I always seem to want to make them better or maybe see if they are different. And sometimes they might be different but only for a few months or maybe just a few times of hanging out. So in hindsight, nothing really has changed just the fake attitude.
It is funny because last post I commented on losing people. I think both of these items have come together to make me one crazy person. And I think it also has help me be very loyal to be people who do care. For all of those friends out there to everyone and anyone, tell them you care!
Depressed in az
breanne
I have also experience when people are fake and they help you to earn their trust and when you need them, really need them, they ignore you. Why do people offer to talk with you or help you when it is fake? Would not it just be easier to be straight and real with a person and say I don’t care about how you are feeling and I am not going to build up your hopes and trust in me as a person who cares? I know it would suck for a while if that person says that but I think in the long run it would help because you could maybe look for someone who would care with out that extra pain they caused. People saying oh yeah talk to me anytime and then when you want to talk to them. I mean obviously want to talk with them, sit next to them, stand next to them, try to join their conversation, or message them and they do nothing how does that help anything? How does that show you me care?
My thing is why can’t I leave these relationships behind? I try just to leave them alone and not really rely on them to give me validation as a human, or use them for relationship building. But I always seem to go back to them. I always seem to want to make them better or maybe see if they are different. And sometimes they might be different but only for a few months or maybe just a few times of hanging out. So in hindsight, nothing really has changed just the fake attitude.
It is funny because last post I commented on losing people. I think both of these items have come together to make me one crazy person. And I think it also has help me be very loyal to be people who do care. For all of those friends out there to everyone and anyone, tell them you care!
Depressed in az
breanne
Thursday, April 29, 2010
friends
When you meet new people how do you responded? Me.. Well I am very quite, keep to my self, I make funny comments. I honestly don't judge anyone. I just try to figure out who someone is and if they would like me. To me I think me is hard to get to know me and that makes me be more quite. When I meet someone I don't know. I don't jump to life long friend or someone I will know longer than I need to. I kinda know why that is. It is mostly because I don't like losing people. Whether it is through death or moving away, whatever it may be I don't like when people I grow close to leave. So that shows why I can't get close to people right away. When I lose a friend who I thought I would have for a long time I don't like how I feel and I don't like what I feel I should do. moving on is something I need to learn to do quicker. I think once I do grow close to them I don't want to let go of what made us close to begin with. The wonderful memories are something to cherish but something that can cause more pain because those will never happen again. Why do meeting, leaving and moving on all happen so fast? They all seem to happen right after one another. The meeting and getting to know each other tend to stay longer because you use them to help you move on. The idea of losing anyone should make people love and cherish who and what they have with those people. The famous line "you don't know what you got til it is gone" comes to mind. To all those people who have either lost people because of a fight or death or because you felt you did not need them. I am sorry and if you can try to get in touch with them and see how they are doing.
Sad in az
Breanne
Sad in az
Breanne
Sunday, April 25, 2010
future
I went running with one of my friends who is thinking about going into the navy. wow, i was dying but i know it was a good work out. We talked about her joining the navy. I am not able to join any branch of the military because of my back. She wants to join because of not knowing what she wants to do with her future. She is graduating from ASU in May and feels she can't use her degree in any field or in the job market right now. She has a lot of school debt and needs to be able to live and repay that money she owes. So the military, specifically the navy.
I have a degree in media arts from collins college, no debts. I have some credits toward a early childhood education, no debts. I have some credits toward a culinary degree, no debts. I don't know what i wanna do with my life. I don't know what i wanna be when i grow up. Right now i work at blockbuster with my media arts degree. I am in the same boat as she is. But don't have the choice to go to military to help me figure out what i am good at. I can't find a good direction for my life. Right now i am working at the census making great money but it is a temporary job. I don't know what i wanna do when i grow up. i don't know what i want to do to support my self or my family when i get one.
Thankfully, i live at home and my parents are awesome about it. I don't pay rent and have no school payments. I pay for the things i use. My cell phone and my car insurance. and i am very grateful but what do i wanna do with my life. Where as a 24 soon to be 25 year old women go to figure that out?
off to bed,
breanne
I have a degree in media arts from collins college, no debts. I have some credits toward a early childhood education, no debts. I have some credits toward a culinary degree, no debts. I don't know what i wanna do with my life. I don't know what i wanna be when i grow up. Right now i work at blockbuster with my media arts degree. I am in the same boat as she is. But don't have the choice to go to military to help me figure out what i am good at. I can't find a good direction for my life. Right now i am working at the census making great money but it is a temporary job. I don't know what i wanna do when i grow up. i don't know what i want to do to support my self or my family when i get one.
Thankfully, i live at home and my parents are awesome about it. I don't pay rent and have no school payments. I pay for the things i use. My cell phone and my car insurance. and i am very grateful but what do i wanna do with my life. Where as a 24 soon to be 25 year old women go to figure that out?
off to bed,
breanne
Sunday, April 18, 2010
my first thoughts
It has been nearly 5 years since my last cigarette and today I was filling up my gas tank and saw an advertisement for a pack for over 5 dollars. Now I rarely want to smoke but man these past 2 weeks I have just felt like running to that person I was when I did smoke. When people are to over protective and personalize everything it makes life and conflict much more impossible. People need to realize that everything does not depend on them or revolve around them. I understand people need to be apart of something. It is part of who we are. We need to feel useful but not in everything. Then there are the people who don't understand "helping" a friend out and make everything so much harder. I understand there are rules to certain things but when you are a friend you can bend those rules or figure out a why to work around those quicker. My job requires me to do A LOT of typing and now because of that I have developed carpel tunnel syndrome. Now out of all the stuff that is not something to big. But when you have only been at this job for 2 months and you are already starting to feel the effects of it. It makes me angry. This job is a temp job. It is to make some money to save and then move out with or figure out what the hell I wanna do in my life. It is not to destroy my body and lose my mind over.
I try to be there for people just the same way I would want them to be for me. But there are people in this world that don't get that. It makes my life harder. So here I am sitting in my room about ready to go to bed after a relaxing sunday and I feel alone and hurt and that I need a cigarette. I am hoping this week goes by quicker and is a wonderful enjoyment of the time I get to be with my co workers and my friends. I won't see my sister until next weekend but I do hope she has a good week..
Back to a little bit more Battlestar Galactica,
Breanne
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