Tattoos

My tattoos. As summer is coming around I am showing my tattoos more and I get to see them more and be reminded of all their meaning. I don't normally get to talk to much about them so I figured I would blog about it.

My very first tattoo came shortly after I graduated high school. It was my parents present to me for graduating. I had had the design since I was 16. I made it my self one day. So my dad joined me and we went and got me my first tattoo.

Many months after getting it but that is it. Grace down a cross. The bible verse that is attached to it is Ephesians 2:8. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—"

My second tattoo came about 6 months after my first one. I had enjoyed the experience and I had money and an idea for another one. So my mom joined me and we went and got my second one.

Simple writing of one of the greatest hymns/songs to worship our king.

My third tattoo is a nickname I received from my friends I grew up with. I had many from my family but never one from my friends. And at the time and still currently to this day it is still something people call me and I use in my everyday life. My sister joined me this time.

Big B kinda speaks for it self. one of my favorite nicknames



My fourth tattoo came when a very close family member passed away, my grandma. She was a very cool lady and when I had back surgery she would look after me before I could go back to school. We would watch the price is right and then watch saved by the bell before my teacher would come and teach me. After class we had to do some kinda of activity for my back so we would walk. We walked and looked for pennies. I will always cherish that time. So in honor of my grandmother I tattooed her name above my surgery scar. Kristen joined me on this one and helped me through the pain.

For grandma. This one probably hurt the most because of how close the needle came to the scar.



My fifth and sixth tattoos came shortly after I lost my beloved piglet. I had received piglet from my mother the night before I had surgery and he went everywhere with me. Yes, at this point I was 20 years old and probably to old for a stuffed animal but he just would travel with me. I lost him going to New York City for the first time. He was left on a plane. So a bible verse that would help me get through the loss of this beloved stuffed animal is "Be still and know that I am god" Psalms 46:10. Kristen joined me on one maybe both, I can't remember, and that is so unlike me.

So that is what I got tattooed on my self. Yes, if you try to read it it is backward but when I look at my arms it reads correct.

My seventh tattoo was a very quick decision tattoo. Never have I decided to get one and had one so quickly. But it is funny cause I think I almost enjoy it the most. Kristen joined me on this one and shorts the same LOVE on her wrist. 

I share this tattoo with a very close friend of mine and every time I look at it I get to go back to when we first received them.

So that is my tattoo for right now. I have an idea for 3 more and I believe that will keep me happy until I have children. Then they will have spots on my body. Thanks for reading 



Battles

It has been a month since I had the worst week I have had in a long time. I think I am finally able to do a blog about it.. 2 things happened with in 3 days of each other 1. we put our beloved dog hope to sleep and 2. i found out my job i have had for 3 years is coming to an end.

1. hope. on the night of feb 8th going into feb 9th so kinda around midnight she started having seizures. now that is nothing new she has been having those for 6 years now. so we did our routine. meds and keeping her cool and safe. when they have seizures the dog and brain can become very hot so we cool her down with showers and when the pool is up we walk with her in there. so that night my mom and dad both took turns catherine and i slept. they did not wake us. catherine had school and i only heard a few seizures so i figured they were under control. i did not have to work the next day and figured i would be with her in the morning so i wanted to sleep. normally i get up with her because i don't work in the am like my parents do.. boy was i wrong. i woke at 7 because my mom was at the dentist and catherine had to go to school so i got up and sat with hope. she just kept having seizures. bad deep seizures. she has Valium in her which is a drug that is the be all end all seizure meds. so it was bad she kept having them. well about 10ish my mom took her to the vet to have an IV of Valium to see if the constant flow of the drug would help. no, she had 4 more while at the vet. my dad said once they reach a point they will just keep having them over and over. and it was time to make the choice, keep trying to stop them and hope, hope was still there or let her go in peace. so at 1230 we said good bye to hope and put her to sleep. in that time from late late/early that morning to the time we put her to sleep, she had 21 seizures. i miss her all the time and i still can't believe she is gone sometimes. Rufus was probably the hardest thing to deal with. he was so lonely and he knew she was gone. he would sit at the laundry room door waiting for her. and he would go the gate in the back yard looking for her. that was so hard and he was so lonely. so a week after we put her to sleep we look to see if we could find a buddy for rufus. it was going to be a girl dog and we wanted something that had something similar to hope's breed.. we found bailey. bailey is jack russel, lab and Australian cattle dog (hope). we got her when she was 2 months old. so she is almost 3 months. she is a perfect buddy for rufus and man they love each other so much. playing all the time, sleep together, eating together and chasing the cats together. i am so happy we got bailey. she is a great addition to our family. i still miss hope all the time but it is nice to have a new doggie to love.

2. blockbuster. with the filing of blockbuster's bankruptcy in Sept. they have to talk with the land lords of each store and figure out leasing prices. they are asking them to lower it mostly. so each blockbuster across the USA is doing this. needless to say many stores are closing. i mean just in my little area there 5 stores. we just did not think it would be our store because we are the biggest store and have been around FOREVER! so we have been converting the store into a retail only store. no more renting only selling.. and we are selling everything in the store!! shelves, tvs, movies, candy, tables, fax machine, desk, chairs everything.. it is crazy.. so with the converting to sell everything i have been working like crazy.. in 2 weeks i did 76hours.. but still i am so tired. not just because of the work but because of all the work means. i am losing my job. i mean losing a part of my life i thought was kinda like home. i took pride in my job and in my store.. and now to deal with all these movies from other stores that have closed. we got about 100 boxes in 3 days with 200 movies in them. so it has been a nightmare. i am so ready for it to be done. i am just so tired. lol.

with my store closing i have had to figure out life. what i wanna do.. i could find a new store to go to but i don't know what kinda hours i would get and what store i would go to. how far it would be and all that stuff. it is just best to say thanks blockbuster and go out into the real world. which i am excited about and also scared. so next step time..


watching some awesome castle,
breanne

I am a Toy's R Us kid

“Kids, when your friends have great news, you’re happy for them … for like a millisecond. And then you start thinking about yourself.” – Old Ted

It is scary when a tv show like how i met your mother has so much wisdom in their storytelling. It has been a little over 2 weeks since I said good bye to some friends of mine. I wouldn't say they were my best friends and I would not say they were acquaintances. They were friends. They were friends on there way to becoming wonderful and close friends of mine. I think when they left what I was most sad about was all the stuff we could have/or would have been doing. All the memories we could have been making.. Anyway, back to what i was saying. 2 weeks ago they left to follow their dreams/passion. And i can't wait to see what the lord has in store for them and what people they become. But back to what How I Met Your Mother said. You're happy for them but then you think about yourself. So with being sad about them leaving i was thinking about my future in there too.. I have been kinda stuck in a rut but still moving forward at the same time. If that is possible. I came up with basically 2 choices.

Keep working jobs that don't require a degree in anything or go back to school.

I am kinda working in a dead in job. I guess i can still advance in blockbuster but i can't kinda. because they don't know the future of the company really. but i also have a position waiting for me at petsmart when one opens up. so that job is a little bit more stable and would be so much fun! i love animals..

going back to school. now that options is the option that scares me. i hate/hated school so much. the idea of taking a test makes me nauseous and nervous and it is just an idea. to think about going to school i need to figure out what i wanna do. i have done a lot in my 7 years out of high school. i do have a degree that i paid 28,000 dollars for and it got me the job at blockbuster really. that degree is one that requires me to know people in the movie or tv industry or work here in AZ in the news and i don't want to work in the news. i could not imagine that environment where i just report on bad things and nightmarish things either. so the news is out.

i have some classes in culinary. i did not want to be a chef i wanted to do stuff with nutrition and i thought those classes would help me get there. but mostly what they did was show me a good way to almost lose my finger and my life. it is funny on my first day of culinary school i was an hour and half late because i took a long way there thinking i would miss the traffic nope how i was wrong.. i look back now and think, that was gods way of saying don't do this. get out now. well i was unable to complete the program because at the time i was living on my own and the stubborn person i am tried to climb on the oven and counters at my apartment and fell. hurting my wrist and my right arm.. s0 never finished those classes and i have no intention in doing that.

i also have some credits in teaching. I love kids, between the ages of newborn and 10, but not enough to go through all of that to teach them. if i could work at a day care and be paid ok money i would. but day care and bad back don't go well together. so teaching as much as i love kids is out as well.

so going back to school is a hard choice. what to go back to school for. i think, i fell, i know my gift is tv. i love tv. you think of breanne you think of tv.. so choosing a school to go to for that would be the next step. there are many great film schools, christian and secular. but then i am stuck with needing to know someone.

i just feel like i am so lost and i don't know where/what/how to get on.

a few things that i know:

1. no matter what, i need money for anything

2. i have a family that supports me

3. i will pray to figure everything out.

i think for right now, i want to keep working, save money and move out. i think if i can move out on my own i will feel sorta like a real adult. i will be responsible for my self. i am now but just not the way i would like to be with living at my parents house. i love my parents. i am so grateful they were willing to have me come back and willing to let me live her for the 3 years i had to come back home. but i need to grow up and be my own person with my own space.

i never thought i would have this problem when i was younger. what i wanted to do when i grew up. i don't wanna grow up i am a toy's r us kid!

moving on

Scared

I thought I saw you

I turned to run

I am scared of you

I am scared of what I might have become

I don't want to be scared

I just want to learn from my mistakes

I want to move on,

Forgive myself, be myself.

Piglet

My piglet.. Where to start.. ok. So when I was going to have surgery my mom bought me a piglet. He was with me in the hospital and he even got his own ID bracelet. The bracelet said Piglet Middleton. He went throught a lot. One day I came home and my dad had washed him and put him in the freezer.. He was frozen for a while. LOL. And then another day I came home and my dad had tied his arm and opposite foot the fan and he was spinning around. One time also while driving my dad took him and rolled his neck up in the window.. His head would blow in the wind.. He was loved and I took him everywhere. I even took him to school on PJ day. So in may of 2008 i went to NY for the first time and i of course took my piglet. Well in all the rush of the planes, I lost him. He in lost in New York City. I often say my heart was left in New York City. Losing my piglet left a giant whole in my heart and in my life. I was not doing well. I took hope and joy in the bible verse "Be still and know that I am God" in this time. I would say it a lot. So where I would hold piglet I now have a tattoo on my arms. It reminds me every day that he is God and he is in control. A year later, almost the exact day, my sister returned home from India. She asked me if I wanted my gift and I was like "YA!". And she brought out a bag. I opened it and I came to discover a piglet. I began crying like a little baby. No it was not my piglet I had lost. It was a piglet from the orphanage that Catherine and steph had worked at. They walked into the orphanage and saw him sitting on the mantle. She asked if she could take him home and of course they said yes.. So I have my wonderful piglet from a cool little orphanage in India. Of course we washed him well and he is wearing a bee out fit like my old one. I still cherish my old piglet and see my tattoos every day to remember him by but i am so grateful my sister brought this one home.. he gives me something to snuggle with..

snuggling with my piglet, watching Glee,
Breanne

forgiveness

Now I’m in our secret place, Alone in your embrace, Where all my wrongs have been erased, You have forgiven. All the promises and lies, All the times I compromise, All the times you were denied. You have forgiven.. -Skillet "Forgiven"

As I was telling my friends about my back problems about a week ago. They asked me if i ever forgave the kid that has caused them. And I said no. I honestly and truly don't think I have. Let me rewind here and explain what happened..

When I was 8 years old a kid down the street from me. I am not going to say his name so lets just call him Bill. Bill was outside of his house while I was riding my bike with a friend. We were riding our bikes and he was throwing the ball at us. We were girls, little girls, we thought it was funny. So we kept riding back there. On what would be our last time riding back there he through the ball again and it rolled in between my bike tires. I flipped over, cracked my front tooth, and injured my back. I was so disoriented that a very kind neighbor helped me find the part of my tooth and helped me get to the side walk as my friend went and got my parents. My dad came and got me. He is a nurse so i knew i was in good hands. We did not know about the back stuff until i was in school and my PE teacher noticed i could no longer do the physical testing. You know the sit and reach, shuffle run and pulls stuff we did as kids. Me being able not to do this anymore was a big thing because i was in gymnastics like all the time. That was my passion and what i loved and thought i would be doing for the rest of my life.. so she talked to my 2nd grade teacher at that time and they talked to my parents. we went to the doctor. The doctor informed my parents that i had lumbar curve scoliosis. What that meant was that the L4 and L5 vertebrae were moving and resting on my nerves for my legs. So in March of 1995 I went in for surgery i was 9 years old.. they were unsure how long i would be in the hospital, about how well i would walk, run, or even Rollerblade. For some reason i still remember that about the rollerblading. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and this is where my love for the TV ER came in to my life. When i was in the hospital the nurses would come in and watch it with me and my mom on thursday night. The surgery i had was the doctors cut a piece of my left hip and fused it to my spine so my L4 and L5 would stop moving. And as my back and bones grew it would stay put. I had to sorta learn to walk again. I came home with a walker and got very comfortable on my sofa. I was not sent back to school. Instead a teacher would come to me. Because my parents worked i got to spend a lot of time with my grandma. My teacher would come there at about 2 each day. Part of my physical therapy was i had to walk to for a certain amount of time and my grandma and i would walk. mostly we would walk to the 99 cent store be hind her house. she loved that place. but while we would walk we would find pennys. she loved when we found one. i will always remember that time. hence my tattoo i have for her above my back surgery scar.. anyway.. as i went through recovery. i was slowly able to do things they thought i was not going to be able to do. And thankfully i did not ever have to wear a back brace. the brace is used for, according to WEBMD, It may provide a temporary correction, but usually the curve will assume its original magnitude when bracing is eliminated.. So thankfully i never had to have that. I was able to run and play basketball something my doctors never thought i would be able to do. and believe it or not i was able to rollerblade. i remember that being a big thing when i was little.. not so much now.. well maybe be cause i have a car.. lol.. that was the end of my 3rd grade year. i started back to school in my forth grade year. and at my lunch time i would go to physical therapy where my dad would read to me, and we would talk about stuff.. most of the time i would eat lunch at home and then go back to school but some times, and i mean sometimes i could get him to let me get some mcdonalds on 51st and olive.. lol.. Anyway, to this day i have back pain and leg pain if i stand to long or lift heavy things. My father is concerned about when i have a baby about how my back would handle that. but that is a little down the road so i am not to concerned yet. lol.. that is the over view of my back..

So in this time, the time since the back stuff until now, Bill has passed away. He died about 2 or 3 years ago i am not quiet sure. I never really got a chance to forgive him or talk to him to see what he thought in this whole thing. I never will i guess. I do want to forgive Bill but i don't know if i could. he took what i thought my future was. I mean i never watched tv or ate bad food. Now i can't not watch tv and i am so fat that is it causing some of my back problems! AAAHH crazy cycle. I do know i need to forgive him to finally heal but man it is something i have been holding on to for so long now. i don't know how i could...

breanne...

alone

I hate when people make “rules” in a friendship. Why can’t you just be you or say what you want to say. If I have to watch what I always say because it would jeopardize a great friendship then is a real friendship? Or is it just for convince or is it an acquaintance? People are always saying they need friends and good people in their life and it is hard to find that in this world. So why would someone who says they are a friend, a great friend, want this to be so limited? Who decides what is said and what is not. If it hurts that sucks but sometimes those things need to be said. If it is funny and something you will laugh about later on what makes that more important than the problem you are having with life? I hate when people are fake and say they are friends but it is only when they nothing else to do.

I have also experience when people are fake and they help you to earn their trust and when you need them, really need them, they ignore you. Why do people offer to talk with you or help you when it is fake? Would not it just be easier to be straight and real with a person and say I don’t care about how you are feeling and I am not going to build up your hopes and trust in me as a person who cares? I know it would suck for a while if that person says that but I think in the long run it would help because you could maybe look for someone who would care with out that extra pain they caused. People saying oh yeah talk to me anytime and then when you want to talk to them. I mean obviously want to talk with them, sit next to them, stand next to them, try to join their conversation, or message them and they do nothing how does that help anything? How does that show you me care?

My thing is why can’t I leave these relationships behind? I try just to leave them alone and not really rely on them to give me validation as a human, or use them for relationship building. But I always seem to go back to them. I always seem to want to make them better or maybe see if they are different. And sometimes they might be different but only for a few months or maybe just a few times of hanging out. So in hindsight, nothing really has changed just the fake attitude.

It is funny because last post I commented on losing people. I think both of these items have come together to make me one crazy person. And I think it also has help me be very loyal to be people who do care. For all of those friends out there to everyone and anyone, tell them you care!

Depressed in az
breanne