forgiveness

Now I’m in our secret place, Alone in your embrace, Where all my wrongs have been erased, You have forgiven. All the promises and lies, All the times I compromise, All the times you were denied. You have forgiven.. -Skillet "Forgiven"

As I was telling my friends about my back problems about a week ago. They asked me if i ever forgave the kid that has caused them. And I said no. I honestly and truly don't think I have. Let me rewind here and explain what happened..

When I was 8 years old a kid down the street from me. I am not going to say his name so lets just call him Bill. Bill was outside of his house while I was riding my bike with a friend. We were riding our bikes and he was throwing the ball at us. We were girls, little girls, we thought it was funny. So we kept riding back there. On what would be our last time riding back there he through the ball again and it rolled in between my bike tires. I flipped over, cracked my front tooth, and injured my back. I was so disoriented that a very kind neighbor helped me find the part of my tooth and helped me get to the side walk as my friend went and got my parents. My dad came and got me. He is a nurse so i knew i was in good hands. We did not know about the back stuff until i was in school and my PE teacher noticed i could no longer do the physical testing. You know the sit and reach, shuffle run and pulls stuff we did as kids. Me being able not to do this anymore was a big thing because i was in gymnastics like all the time. That was my passion and what i loved and thought i would be doing for the rest of my life.. so she talked to my 2nd grade teacher at that time and they talked to my parents. we went to the doctor. The doctor informed my parents that i had lumbar curve scoliosis. What that meant was that the L4 and L5 vertebrae were moving and resting on my nerves for my legs. So in March of 1995 I went in for surgery i was 9 years old.. they were unsure how long i would be in the hospital, about how well i would walk, run, or even Rollerblade. For some reason i still remember that about the rollerblading. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and this is where my love for the TV ER came in to my life. When i was in the hospital the nurses would come in and watch it with me and my mom on thursday night. The surgery i had was the doctors cut a piece of my left hip and fused it to my spine so my L4 and L5 would stop moving. And as my back and bones grew it would stay put. I had to sorta learn to walk again. I came home with a walker and got very comfortable on my sofa. I was not sent back to school. Instead a teacher would come to me. Because my parents worked i got to spend a lot of time with my grandma. My teacher would come there at about 2 each day. Part of my physical therapy was i had to walk to for a certain amount of time and my grandma and i would walk. mostly we would walk to the 99 cent store be hind her house. she loved that place. but while we would walk we would find pennys. she loved when we found one. i will always remember that time. hence my tattoo i have for her above my back surgery scar.. anyway.. as i went through recovery. i was slowly able to do things they thought i was not going to be able to do. And thankfully i did not ever have to wear a back brace. the brace is used for, according to WEBMD, It may provide a temporary correction, but usually the curve will assume its original magnitude when bracing is eliminated.. So thankfully i never had to have that. I was able to run and play basketball something my doctors never thought i would be able to do. and believe it or not i was able to rollerblade. i remember that being a big thing when i was little.. not so much now.. well maybe be cause i have a car.. lol.. that was the end of my 3rd grade year. i started back to school in my forth grade year. and at my lunch time i would go to physical therapy where my dad would read to me, and we would talk about stuff.. most of the time i would eat lunch at home and then go back to school but some times, and i mean sometimes i could get him to let me get some mcdonalds on 51st and olive.. lol.. Anyway, to this day i have back pain and leg pain if i stand to long or lift heavy things. My father is concerned about when i have a baby about how my back would handle that. but that is a little down the road so i am not to concerned yet. lol.. that is the over view of my back..

So in this time, the time since the back stuff until now, Bill has passed away. He died about 2 or 3 years ago i am not quiet sure. I never really got a chance to forgive him or talk to him to see what he thought in this whole thing. I never will i guess. I do want to forgive Bill but i don't know if i could. he took what i thought my future was. I mean i never watched tv or ate bad food. Now i can't not watch tv and i am so fat that is it causing some of my back problems! AAAHH crazy cycle. I do know i need to forgive him to finally heal but man it is something i have been holding on to for so long now. i don't know how i could...

breanne...